Why does this bother me so much?

I believe in agency. I don't believe that Heavenly Father will direct every last detail of our life. I believe that often we have to choose between two very good things, and that whichever we choose will be all right.

I also believe that God works differently for every person, and that we can learn how He works with us through our experience. And my experience has been this: In the huge life-changing choices that I have had to make, I have always been required to make a decision on my own. I have often been guided in a particular direction, and occasionally recognition of this guidance influences my decision, and occasionally I don't recognize the guidance until well after the decision, but the decision is always my own. It is only after making the decision that I receive confirmation (usually) or "discomfirmation" (every once in awhile). This is how it works for me, and I have come to trust and depend upon that process of revelation.

But this current decision seems to be working differently. Technically, I have a choice. I can choose University A or I can choose University B. But the choice does not feel like it's fully mine this time. I mean, so often I say that I would love for God to tell me where I need to go rather than having to do it on my own first, but now that I feel like I'm being pushed in a particular direction, I am resisting the push a little. If I'm going to be told that I need to go to University A instead of University B, I want to know why. Because that choice only makes partial sense to me.

I visited University B last week, and I'm visiting University A right now (my hotel room has free internet - it's great!). Last week was great. I saw the campus, met with faculty and students in the department, and was courted mercilessly. They want me there. I am a recipient of a pretty prestigious fellowship (and am still blown away by the fact that they want to give that fellowship to me). The weather is great, the community is great, cost of living is reasonable, the department is probably the most well-established in my field of study. From a purely academic standpoint, there is no reason for me not to go there. None. And yet after my first day of the visit I came back to the hotel room feeling very good about everything I heard and, much to my surprise, had this nagging thought that I was going to go to University A.

At first I attributed it to being tired. I had met with faculty and students all day and was exhausted and my mind probably didn't want to think much about University B. But that nagging thought continued, and now that I'm here at University A it is still continuing, despite the colder weather, and despite the fact that people take longer to get through this program, and despite the fact that it is much smaller and more recently established, and despite the fact that I don't have a prestigious fellowship here or nearly as much funding. It does not make sense to me.

I don't want to go to University A. I have resisted the idea all along, and wouldn't have even applied here if I hadn't had a surprisingly powerful spiritual experience early on in the decision-making process. I mean, it's not a bad place to be. I think I could be very happy in the program, but there are so many more reasons to go to University B. I listed every single positive aspect of both universities recently, right down to the fact that there is a Great Harvest Bread Co. near University A. And University B won, hands down. And then I listed every reason not to go to each univeristy, and University B still one, with the fewest reasons (there's only one good reason not to go there, and there are three good reasons not to go to University A).

I don't get it. Why would it be so important for me to come here? So important that Heavenly Father would intervene and not let me make the decision entirely on my own?

Of course, I may be jumping ahead. I haven't made the decision yet, and I don't know for sure what my ultimate decision will be. And even if I do end up here at University A, it's not as though it wasn't my choice, because I certainly have the choice to listen. And I may be wrong about these feelings. But at this moment, I am confused by the direction in which I'm headed, and by the nature of God's influence in this particular decision.

I have been talking about this decision a lot lately, and everyone keeps telling me that sometimes we are on our own, that sometimes both choices are "right," and that sometimes God does not give direct revelation. But that's not the problem. The problem is that I think this time He actually might be guiding me directly.