Roller Coaster

This has been the most tortuous path to a decision that I have ever experienced. Honestly, it almost makes me want to just give up and not go on for my PhD. It's that tiring, and that confusing. I have experienced the most stunningly clear personal revelation about where I need to end up and absolute peace regarding my decision on multiple occasions, followed in turn by very real reasons to doubt my decision. And by that I don't mean that my doubt is very real (though it is); I mean that I have been faced with very good reasons that the choice I felt so strongly about could be the absolute wrong choice for me.

After my last confused rant here, I slept on things and by the next morning I had no doubt that, whatever the reason, my decision was the right one. I felt incredible peace, and was in awe that I could feel such peace in this decision because I honestly hadn't expected that. And then after making the decision, and after feeling that peace, it seemed that things started to come together, and by the time I flew home on Sunday I knew in my mind as well as my heart that my decision was the right one. I had planned to say nothing to anyone until I had rested on the decision for a week, just to be sure that my decision wouldn't be influenced by the fact that I had told everyone I was going to University A. But by the time I landed in Salt Lake, I realized that there was no doubt in my mind, that I could think of nothing that could change my decision, and so there was no point in withholding things from my family and friends. And so I've been telling people and everyone has been excited for me and I have been excited too.

This afternoon I came home a little early to run a few errands and talked a bit with my roommate. She said she was happy that things were all coming together for me, and I laughed and said, "I almost worry when things come together so nicely, because I know it can't last." Yeah. That statement haunted me about fifteen minutes later when I got a phone call from my thesis advisor that very nearly brought me to tears and made me more confused than I have felt in a long time - and I have been awfully confused at various points in this whole process. I don't care to go into the details, but it really made me question whether University A is where I want to be, and I'm really not sure what to think right now.

I'm sure things will sort themselves out. They have to, because I need to make a decision by April 15 no matter what. And it may all turn out to be nothing. But as much as I am trying to place my trust in the Lord right now, I have to say that I just don't understand. I have never experienced anything like this before, and the only thing I can think of is that this must be the most important life decision I have made thus far, and that Satan is trying very hard to counteract the very visible hand of God in my life...