Stage Fright

I don't consider myself a good public speaker, so it always kind of surprises me when I am. I actually quite consistently get compliments on my academic presentations, and while I'm never going to bring the house down, I'm slowly starting to believe that presenting may actually be a part of my skill set.

It shouldn't surprise me that much. Teaching for so many years has made me a lot more confident getting up in front of people, and in fact I've kind of learned to enjoy it in many situations. I'm not really a center-of-attention kind of person, but there's something very rewarding when I can say things that other people find interesting, or make jokes that other people find funny, or elicit thoughtful discussion.

Still, thinking about public speaking does make me nervous. My coping mechanism, and I don't think this is always a good coping mechanism, is to avoid thinking about it as much as possible. I've gotten really good at this not-thinking-about-it bit. Maybe too good, because sometimes it means I minimize my preparation and rehearsal time. Except that this actually seems to work out for me because when I rehearse it just makes me anxious.

But my subconscious kept me in line this week. I was at a research conference to present a paper with a colleague this week, in Fort Worth, Texas, and doing a really exceptionally good job of not thinking about it. No nerves at all. Then, the night before I gave my presentation, I had a dream. In my dream my ward was putting on Julius Caesar. With an 80's theme. And in my dream I had a major role (I was, in fact, Julius Caesar, and in my dream Julius Caesar actually had a major role in the play). I was so concerned about finding an appropriate 80's costume, however, that when I got onstage I realized that I had completely forgotten to memorize my lines. Any of my lines. I panicked, and looked around for a script that I could put in an inconspicuous place where no one could see me reading my lines, but then the curtain lifted before I could find one. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do. Fortunately, before our second counselor/Marcus Brutus could say his first line, I woke up and found that I was not about to perform Julius Caesar in 80's garb with no script. Instead I would be giving half of an academic talk, with Powerpoint slides that I had written myself, to an audience of (as it turned out) approximately five people. That was cake.

Suppressing all my performance anxiety so that it only emerges in a dream seems to be the easiest and most entertaining way to go about it. I think I like this system.