In retrospect

This is a blog post about me. And I mean that more than blog posts are usually about me. I have been assured that writing about myself on my blog does not make me self-centered or self-aggrandizing or self-absorbed, and that people who read my blog enjoy reading about me as much as I enjoy reading about other people on their own blogs. But I still feel slightly self-conscious¹ about a public place that's all me, all the time.

But what I've been thinking a lot about in anticipation of Wednesday is me. In particular, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the person I am, and how I've changed over the almost-30 years of my life. I'll spare you the philosophical details, but a few of these thoughts morphed into some blog-worthy snapshots of the person I was at 10, and 20, and now. That's the part I'll share.

When I was 10 years old, I wanted to be an author when I grew up. I had braces and permed hair and I wore oversized t-shirts over leggings. I kept a spiral-bound notebook for writing stories and drawing pictures. I took piano lessons, sang in the shower without realizing that my family could hear me, made friendship bracelets, and still got up early on Saturday to watch cartoons. My music tastes consisted mainly of Disney soundtracks, which I listened to in the tape player on my boom box. I played handball and Korean jacks at recess and Monopoly with my brothers on Sunday and slept over at my best friend's house and still enjoyed reading books with my parents. I didn't know what email was, had never seen the east coast, and didn't particularly care for math.

When I was 20 years old, I wanted to be a math teacher, but had only just decided this. I was trying out new haircuts and liked wearing solid-color fitted t-shirts with khaki pants or overalls and I curled my eyelashes but didn't really wear makeup. I did my writing on my desktop computer, and connected to the internet through our landline, and saved my work on brightly colored 3-1/2 inch floppy disks. I took organ lessons, sang in the non-audition choir, ran three times a week, and ate a lot of peanut butter sandwiches. My music tastes consisted mostly of Copland and Mahler and other composers, which I listened to on my 3-disc CD changer, and I sometimes turned my car radio to the country station. My friends and I went on group dates and invited cute boys over for Sunday dinner and went on hikes up Rock Canyon and signed up for 5Ks around campus. I did not know what NPR was, had never owned a cell phone, and my cookies always turned out flat.

Now I am almost 30 and I still want to be a math teacher, but a very specific kind of math teacher. I wear my hair long and and dress in slightly more ambitious colors and fashions than I did at 20, but with more success than I did at 10, and I like dangly earrings. I do my writing on a MacBook that is almost as easily transportable as my old spiral-bound notebook, and has the added advantage of wireless internet. I play the organ in church and run almost every day and bake really good cookies and I own a dog. My music tastes are broad and I listen to most everything on my iPod and organize playlists on my laptop. I have a good group of friends from my ward, and go on trips to places like northern Michigan and the UK and Atlanta, and teach adults at a community college. And I now know that I can't really guess what the future will bring for me with any sort of accuracy.

I don't think that at 10 or 20 I would have in a million years guessed where I'd be at 30, or even who I'd be. And while it's true that there are things I'm not 100% content with about my life, it's also true that I'm mostly pleased with the person I am. I have regrets, and I have unfulfilled wishes, and I have character flaws that I'm still working on, and I think everyone has all of these. But I think the last ten years have been even better than the first and second ten years, and I wouldn't give up the experiences I've had and the people I've met who have helped shape me into the person I am now.

¹ Did you catch that?