And the Hill Street Ward Takes Matters into Its Own Hands

I have lived in seven singles wards in the last nine years, and one thing that stays consistent from location to location, age group to age group, is the idea that dating is broken. Girls complain that the guys don’t ask, guys complain that the girls don’t give clear signals, and everyone seems to agree that one or the other party reads far too much into a first date.

Whether or not dating is actually broken is an open question, I think. Personally, I believe that the process of bringing two people together, especially in a society in which all parties have a great deal of choice in the matter, is almost never going to be easy. There will always be misinterpreted intentions and imbalances and misplaced hopes and lack of commitment and cynicism and frustration, and once in awhile a miracle. And so whether or not dating is broken per se, it is what it is, and this means that now and again someone will step in and try to fix it.

In one of my brother’s former wards there was something called the Date Box. And yes, it’s as bad as it sounds. From what I gather (Eric can correct me if I’m wrong), ward members could scope out the ward for potential couples and conspire to get them together without anyone knowing who had done the conspiring. If, for instance, Jamie thought Max and Krista were a match made in heaven, she could write their names on a slip of paper and drop it in the date box. Max and Krista would then be required to go on a group date the following weekend with other date box couples.

Clearly there is room for abuse here. Maybe Krista is madly in love with Max but Max hasn’t yet noticed that she exists. If she can recruit her roommate to drop her name in the box, then she has guaranteed one-on-one (sort of) time with Max and Max will realize what he’s been missing these past few months, but there will be no pressure on Krista to confess her undying love. Or maybe Max is madly in love with Krista but doesn’t want her to think that he wants to marry her just because he asks her on a date. So he can recruit his good friend Jamie to drop the names in the box and suddenly the responsibility is entirely out of his hands (as far as Krista is concerned).

The world seems to be full of odd social constructions to get around the dating problem—the Date Box, speed dating, personal ads and online dating services, roommate group-date conspiracies in which each girl gets “set up” with the guy she secretly has a crush on (yes, I participated in my share of these group dates back in the day), and so on. Ultimately I think that for all the problems these solutions solve or claim to solve, just as many new ones are created. Sometimes there’s success and sometimes there’s failure; the struggle doesn’t change, just the context.

The whole reason I bring this up is that my ward’s transition committee has decided to take matters into their own hands. Rumors have been floating around for several weeks now, and I was one of the privileged ones to know in advance what was going on (though that doesn’t mean a whole lot because they weren’t exactly trying to keep the scheme a secret). On Sunday evening the long-anticipated plans finally came to fruition at ward FHE. First we were divided into groups and taken through three mini-workshops—The Breakup: It’s Not Personal, Dating 101, and Obstacles to Dating and How to Overcome Them. Then when we were all sufficiently indoctrinated, we reconvened in the large classroom and were introduced to the Grand Plan.

The Grand Plan is this: Everyone who is interested in participating signs their name on the participation sheet, along with a few preferences (are they willing to ask? to be set up? to do an outdoor date? a cooking date?). Then, every two weeks, participants will be paired. If you’re willing to ask, you can ask someone on the list; if not, you will either hope to be asked, or you will be set up. Pairs will be organized into groups and a group leader will come up with an activity that costs less than $12 a person and lasts no longer than 2 1/2 hours. Two weeks later the same thing will happen, except that no one is allowed to go with the same person twice (unless, I assume, this actually works and you end up dating the person you attended with two weeks ago).

The transition committee co-chairs advertised this as a “Get to Know the Ward” activity, but anyone who was in the know ahead of time was aware that this is really a “Jump-Start Dating in the Hill Street Ward” activity.

The room sort of erupted as the explanation came to an end. There were groans and protests aplenty…and yet I think almost everyone in the room put their name on the list in the end. I don’t know how I feel about this myself. I think it’s almost (but not quite) as silly as the date box, but I think it’s well-intentioned. As a method of inducing dating in the ward, I’m cynical (and actually, not particularly interested for now). As a method of breaking apart some of the cliquishness that exists naturally in a singles ward, I might be in favor. If I allow myself to see these as group activities and not dates, I just might be okay with it.

In the end I put my name on the list for two reasons.

1. I feel the need to support people in their callings. Our ward has been working really hard to get people more involved, and as the new Enrichment leader I’ve been as concerned with the endeavor as anyone, so I can sympathize with the transition committee, and I’ll do my part. I think many of the people who signed up felt this same obligation.

2. I pushed very hard to get my sister and my friend (who happens to be sort of kind of maybe pursuing my sister, much to my delight) to put their names on the list. I had so much fun coercing them into doing this (they were both really resistant, though I almost think party B was resistant because party A was being resistant and he found it fun to side with her) that I felt guilty if I didn’t set an example for the two of them. I am very interested in my sister's dating life right now. I have to be, because for the first time in about forever I can actually play a role.

The truth is, pretty much all of the guys who signed up are guys who either a) are way too young for me, or b) are guys I’m already completely comfortable being just friends with, and so it’s really, really easy for me to look at this as a group activity and not a dating activity. Which in turn makes it really easy for me to humor it. Plus, I already know that I can’t attend the first “activity” in two weeks time because I already have other, better plans. And who knows? By the time the second activity comes up halfway through July, the whole thing may already have fallen apart.

Kelsey, however, has no excuse to miss that first group date.

This is one of those things that makes me realize simultaneously how nice it will be to finally leave singles ward (only two and a half years now until I come Of Age), and how much I'll miss it when I do. Oh how I love my ward!