Imposter Syndrome

Way back at the beginning of the school year the graduate school sent out an email advertising a workshop for first year grad students entitled "The Imposter Syndrome." I attended the workshop for the free lunch, and the workshop itself wasn't particularly helpful (I didn't expect it to be), but it was comforting to know that I'm not the only one who feels like I don't actually belong here, like someday people are going to see through me, to realize that I'm not as good as they think I am. In fact, I've discovered that this is a remarkably common (though by no means universal) feeling among graduate students in every field, from education to science to music.

I just got back from visiting a couple of my old professors, and right now I'm feeling better about things than I've felt for awhile. I've been looking forward to visiting the math education department here at BYU for months, but I've also been slightly terrified. I knew that they thought highly of me when I left, but that was actually part of the problem. What if somehow in the intervening time they realized that I wasn't all I was cracked up to be? What if they discovered that my writing isn't as good as they thought it was, that there were fatal flaws in my thesis analysis, that I made fatal flaws in teaching my students? What if they didn't like me anymore? Silly thoughts I know, but I couldn't quite shake them.

So this morning when I found myself on campus with the intention of doing schoolwork (which, regrettably, doesn't leave off for spring break), I forced myself to go into the Talmage Building, wandered down the graduate student hallway in hopes of making "safe" contact with graduate student friends first (but no one was there), and finally turned the corner and managed to catch my former professor and my thesis advisor before they left for a meeting. They were surprised (of course) and delighted (thank goodness) to see me, and just those few minutes renewed some enthusiasm that, as my family and roommate and close friends can attest, badly needed renewing.

I probably shouldn't rely so much on what other people think, but I've often found that what I need in order to have confidence in myself is for other people to have confidence in me. I inevitably feel that the confidence is misplaced, that I am an imposter who will be uncovered eventually. But at the same time, knowing that someone else thinks I can succeed, that I can more than succeed also tells me that maybe I really can. It inspires me to work hard, ostensibly to maintain the impression, but ultimately in working at it, my motivation gradually shifts from outside from inside, I eventually reach the point where I am not doing the work to maintain the impression, but because I enjoy it and because I think I really can do what I set out to do.

So now I'm feeling inspired to be a good PhD student, and I'm feeling capable of being a good PhD student, a good teacher, a good researcher, a good writer. The people who originally thought this of me still think so, enough that they'd like me back when I finish. Once again, it's scary to know that someone is anticipating more than I sometimes feel like I can give, but it's also exactly what I need to hear right now in order to get me to want, really and genuinely and intrinsically, to do what they're expecting.