And the crisis is now officially over.

I have experienced something of a reaffirmation of my path in life this past week. Tuesday was almost exhaustingly happy as I felt for the first time in weeks (perhaps months, even) that this path I've set down really is the path I want to be on. I knew that, of course, I just had to remember. Of course, it is quite possible that my path may change at some point in the future. Based on past experience, this wouldn't surprise me at all. But for now I know where I want to be headed and I feel good about where I am.

I think for me a prerequisite to really knowing something is being forced to question it. Like coming to Michigan. I thought I knew that I was supposed to come here, but I didn't really know it until Georgia became a viable (and very attractive) option and I began to wonder if Michigan was the right choice after all. I needed to go through the process of questioning that I'd grown used to taking for granted in order to feel that I could say without a doubt that I was doing the right thing. This is a pretty widely applicable principle in my life, I think. It applies not just to major life decisions, but to human relations, basic beliefs, and almost anything worth thinking deeply about.

That said, maybe one of the reasons I found myself so apprehensive my first week out here was that I really hadn't ever questioned the decision to go into a doctoral program in math education. I knew on the one hand that I was supposed to come to the University of Michigan this year, but I'd never really known that I was supposed to get a PhD. I guess that seems sort of odd, but the truth is that to some extent this just seemed like the thing to do. I like learning about math education, I liked teaching pre-service teachers, my committee wanted me to get a PhD because they thought I would do well, and no other option was particularly appealing. I had no reason not to go on for a PhD, and it was kind of an exciting idea. So I did it, and as soon as I got here I thought, "Wait a minute. I never even considered other possibilities. Not seriously." And I was thrown into a turmoil because I wasn't feeling particularly enamored with the idea of studying math education for the next four years and quite possibly the rest of my life, and I had to finally let myself consider those other possibilities that I had virtually ignored up to this point.

But I'm over that now, at least for the moment. I made it through the questioning intact and knowing that I'm not roped into doing what I'm doing now if I ever feel like it's not the right thing to do. In the meantime, however, I've decided that I like it here and that it can get me to somewhere I would love to be. And I've also discovered that the present is much more easily navigable if it's leading to a desirable future. In addition, I'm remembering why I fell in love with math education in the first place and that ultimately the reason I'm doing this is for other people, not for myself. That makes me feel a lot better.

At least, it does while the weather's still nice :).