"These Are Not Idle Promises"

Okay, scratch that. When it comes down to the absolute final goodbyes, it really is the people I’m closest to who are hardest to leave behind. I just dropped my sister off at Helaman Halls, and it was strange to get out of the car and hug her and realize that this is it—not just until Christmas, but for good. No more lunches together on campus, no calling her up to see if she wants to come watch a movie, no hanging out in my office, no dinners. The ends are always so anticlimactic. It felt like I ought to do more than just hug her and say I love her and that it’s been fun and that I’ll call her. But of course, I don’t know what more I’d do.

My brother is next. We’re having people over for goodies and goodbyes tonight and of course I invited him to come, but he’s coming early so that I can see him without the distraction of other people. And then that will be it, too. He’s been around more than my sister, who has only just started her career at BYU. There has never been a time when both my brother and I have been away, but in different places (other than his mission, which sort of doesn’t count). I’ll miss having him around. A lot. My sister, too.

But I’m tired of talking about the stress and sadness of leaving. The truth is, I have been more excited about going for the last several days than I have been since I first made the decision. I’ve been busy, but happy, and anxious to leave. It’s nice to finally feel this way, and even nicer that I feel this way because I decided to feel this way.

Today was a good Sunday. We had church at nine—it’s too bad I only get one week of this time before switching to 1:00 (I think) in Ann Arbor.

Reason for Marriage #543: Every singles ward outside the highly concentrated BYU student housing meets at noon or one or even two-thirty because those young single adults just can’t seem to drag themselves out of bed in the morning.

This means I am cursed with afternoon church for up to five more years. I don’t mind afternoon church too much, especially on fast Sundays, but I am more alert in the morning. (Interestingly, most young single adults I talk to actually prefer morning church, so I wonder why we always end up in the latest spot possible?)

Sacrament meeting was great. I’m glad I was able to stick around for the first Sunday of the semester here because I was able to see several people I’d assumed I would never see again. I had many people ask, “What are you doing here?” (but in a good-surprise tone of voice). There were more familiar faces than I expected—lots of new ones too, and it was refreshing not to have to worry about trying to get to know the newbies. That will have to wait until next Sunday, when I’ll be a newby myself.

And the talks were good, too. Sometimes I go through spiritual droughts, where I’m not particularly enjoying my scripture reading and not really feeling much of anything during scripture study and church meetings. It’s not that my faith is faltering, just that my insights have stagnated and I’m not really getting anywhere, spiritually. At least, not noticeably. I have learned that when I go through these droughts I just have to persist for awhile and then things will suddenly get better. Nothing’s wrong with me (although the turning point will often come with the realization that I ought to be doing things quite differently than I am)—it’s a normal part of life. I remember a Sunday school lesson in Virginia. We had split apart into small groups of two or three or four and had been instructed to talk about experiences we’d had with enduring to the end. My roommate, who had been struggling with the Church for some time, sort of threw up her hands and said, “Well, I don’t have anything to say. I’ve never endured,” and I thought that was the saddest thing in the world—what if I’d given up during the moments of spiritual stagnation? And what was it that made me able to push through and not her, or other people I have known and loved?

The point, though, is that I think I’m on the verge of emerging from the drought. I heard several things I needed to hear today, and I think President Hinckley’s intention that we all finish the Book of Mormon by the end of the year is a large part of what I need to do. I realized as I listened to the talks (all about the Book of Mormon) that I don’t entirely trust what latter-day prophets have promised. And yet I have no reason to doubt their words—my problem is an unwillingness to put it to the test. This means not just reading the Book of Mormon daily for the sake of making the goal, but putting a lot more focus into my reading. I’ve had too many scripture reading sessions in which I haven’t processed a single word, and I need to change that (because it is something I can control).

The interesting thing about setting goals and making changes is that sometimes they have to come at the right time. I could have set this goal a month ago, but I don’t know that I would have followed through on it. Something is different now, though I’m not sure what. Maybe it’s the fresh start—new school year, new people, new place. It’s a good time for making goals and making changes, even if I know some of them will fall by the wayside as things turn hectic. But one step at a time…