Things I think I'm doing right, and how I'm still able to find something wrong...

I say that I like most people, and I really mean that. That’s not to say that I’m comfortable with most people, because I’m not. But at some fundamental level I really do like them. Almost all of them. Maybe even all of them, I don’t know.

But I sort of go through stages to get to that point. I often begin with liking someone, at a fairly superficial level. “She seems like a nice person,” or “He’s a funny guy,” or “Wow, they’re really talented.” Sometimes this is where it stays, either because I rarely observe or interact with them, or because I only observe or interact with them in one very particular type of setting. In limited situations, it’s usually pretty easy to find something to like in a person (it’s also pretty easy to find something to dislike, incidentally, so it really comes down to how I decide to view the situation).

And then there’s the stage where I suddenly realize that this person is a real person. Maybe they move into my apartment, or we take a road trip as friends, or I see them in a social setting in which they are the center of attention, or I start reading their blog, or I watch them get unexpectedly passionate about something, or they say something that I think is out of character. It doesn’t have to be a major event, just an event through which I realize that I have constructed an image of the person, and that the image I constructed was only a small part of who they really are, and inconsistent with other aspects of their personality. And often (though not always, and not always for very long) I don’t like the person as much anymore. I lose respect, get annoyed, become frustrated with the way they’re acting, realize that the person is fundamentally different from myself and I’m not sure I can deal with it.

Because I assert that I do like most people, I don’t like to admit that I go through this phase. But the fact is, I actually go through this phase with most people. And to be honest, I think it’s a necessary phase. It snaps me out of my idealistic view, in which I can only see the one-sided and most likely unrealistic image of the person. And snapping out of that view usually requires some unpleasantness by necessity, because there’s not really any other way that I could be snapped out of it.

But ultimately it is the real person that I come to love. I don’t love the person who is still an ideal, a portrait. I just like them. And when they become someone I can no longer like in the same way, I am forced to try to understand them. And as I come to understand them, even if I disagree with them, even if they still sometimes annoy me, even if we are still fundamentally different in ways that I don’t think can be got around, I am still able to learn to love them. It is in this final phase that I begin to care about them, to genuinely want them to be happy, I begin to ache when they are not happy, I desire to know them even better. And in this sense, I think I can say that I really do love most people I know. Not in the same way that I love the people closest to me, but it’s still love in a very real sense. So maybe I can say that I like most people, and that if I don’t like them, I love them.

Lest this post become too touchy-feely, or warm and fuzzy, I’ll add that I am still capable of feeling hurt and resentment and annoyance and occasionally outright anger towards these very people. And I’ll also add that I am not very good at showing people that I love them. At all. I worry too much about how other people see me and those worries get in the way of friendships, and even acquaintanceships, and I therefore feel that my ability to love is imperfect because what does love mean if you can’t act on it? It’s that fear and selfishness that leaves me perpetually stuck in green when I want so much to be blue. It’s that same fear and selfishness that holds me back from allowing others to love me in return. And that is a source of constant frustration to me.

But in the end, it gives me something to work on, and don’t suppose life would be quite as much fun if I didn’t have something to worry about :).