Procrastinating. Again.

I feel sick (quite literally) every time I think about my thesis defense on Monday. I had a rather encouraging talk with my advisor today, and so I shouldn't be feeling this way. But when I sit down to try to put this presentation together I start feeling just a little panicky.

Part of the problem is that after I finished my thesis and sent it off to my committee on Monday I couldn't bring myself to think about it again for 48 hours, which meant that I didn't even begin preparing my presentation until last night (and then I promptly threw out everything I'd done this morning). And I am leaving tomorrow afternoon for a family reunion in St. George, and not getting back until Saturday night. Since my day is pretty full after ten tomorrow, I basically have until then to put my presentation in order and run through it at least once. (And so of course I am taking time to write in my blog...) It's not an easy task. I will be talking to my committee, who has already read through my thesis and knows what I'm talking about, and to other people in the department who have not, but are still familiar with the field of study, and still other people (namely my family, who will be driving straight up from the reunion) who are not even familiar with that. I may have to brief them on my research ahead of time so they're not completely lost. It's very difficult to address such a broad audience.

And I do not consider myself a good public speaker. I have no problem whatsoever with extemporaneous speech when I'm standing up in front of my classroom, but put me in front of any other audience and I need a written copy of exactly what I'm going to say right in front of me. That's not necessarily a bad thing (I'm pretty good at not just reading my notes - I can at least act like what I'm saying is not written on paper in front of me), but it's also not the best way to give a presentation. I wish that I could just stick to an outline and talk about it, but somehow my mind just won't function that way. I will get tongue-tied, my mind will go blank, I will "um" and "uh" a few too many times per sentence.

I guess when I teach it's more conversational. I'm really not giving a presentation in front of my class. If only I could get myself to feel like my presentation on Monday was conversational as well, I think it would be a lot easier. But it's not a conversation. I have slides, I won't be asking the audience questions, the audience will be judging me and the validity of my argument rather than trying to learn something (except for friends among the grad students and my family who are only there to smile and support me, and hopefully pray for me as well).

The funny thing is, I'm not worried about passing. I'm sure that I will pass (with revisions, of course). I have no reason whatsoever to believe that this is even a question. So I really don't know what I'm so scared of.

But I am so looking forward to this being done! I'm sure people are sick of hearing me talk about my thesis, and believe me, I am sick of hearing myself talk about it too.

Monday, 1:30. By three or three thirty it should all be over, for better or for worse. Wish me luck!