I'll just warn you ahead of time that what follows is rambling, much more so than other posts. I haven't proofread it, either. I just need to sort some of my thoughts out in writing, and this was the easiest place to do it.
For years, I have been living with a very acute fear that someday people are going to discover that I'm not as smart or as talented as they think I am.
See, I know I'm a reasonably intelligent person. Not brilliant, by any means, but definitely intelligent. That's just one of the things I have going for me, and I don't feel boastful saying so. And I know that typically I've done quite well in school. I don't have a 4.0, but if I earn less than an A I generally attribute it to a lack of effort rather than a lack of capability (not that grades are very good measures of learning in the first place, but I won't go into that here). I have been on scholarship my entire school career, but I don't have a long list of honors. So I guess I think of myself as intelligent and capable...but fairly average as far as intelligent and capable people go.
What I'm discovering is that other people tend to think otherwise, and this absolutely terrifies me. I am in the process of applying to doctoral programs right now, and one of the two schools I'm looking at has offered me a Presidential Fellowship. I knew they were submitting my name to the University for consideration, but when I found out that I actually received it, it about floored me because I had no expectation of earning the fellowship. It's only given to a handful of entering doctoral students in the entire University every year - what in the world would qualify me to receive that? I still can't figure it out. It's exciting, because it's a great honor (with a great stipend attached!). But I was talking about it with my brother this past weekend and I said, "Now this means they have high expectations for me even before I've started."
"Oh, I hate it when people have high expectations!" my brother responded emphatically.
Yeah, my sentiments exactly. Because then you might not reach those expectations. When the expectations are so high, there is so much more chance to disappoint.
The problem is that I keep not disappointing people. You would think this would be a good thing, that it would give me confidence, and I admit that it does give me some. But to an even greater degree it creates an ever-increasing pressure. I have to keep doing well - no, I have to do better - and the longer this goes on, the more likely it seems that next time I will not live up to expectations.
One thing that I have decided recently is that I need to be more confident. This fear can be paralyzing sometimes - literally! This past weekend I was working on my section of a paper I'm co-authoring with a couple of my professors and there were times when I really, genuinely could not bring myself to read through what I had written because I was so afraid that what I was writing didn't fit with what they expected, or wouldn't work with the rest of the paper, or wouldn't be of publishable quality. And I realized how ridiculous it was that my fear was so debilitating. So I took a deep breath and forced myself to read and to revise, and even forced myself to be content enough with what I'd written that I could give it to my professor on Tuesday morning. I had to pretend to be content. I had to pretend to be confident when I knocked on his door and handed it to him. And I had to hope that if I could at least pretend confidence, it might eventually translate into real confidence.
It all turned out okay. He read my section, and cornered me in the hall this morning, and gave me suggestions for what I could do to make it work for our particular audience...and also told me that what I had written was just amazing and that I had a bright future in this field, and all that good stuff. Which of course made me feel relieved and excited and confident - and absolutely terrified all over again.
Oh well, I have another four or five years in which to work on this. More, actually, because I will be doing this for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think the reason I am supposed to go on for my doctorate is just so that I can spend more time learning to overcome the fears that I obviously haven't been successful in overcoming as a master's student!
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
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2 comments:
I get that fear sometimes too. Like, my teacher says my poetry is good enough to submit to a contest. And she likes my short story. And yet the feel woefully inadequate.
Be careful, though. Many many people never have and never will have a scholarship, and you're saying you're just average and all and well...what might that tempt them to feel?
Good post though.
Yeah, see, I have this other fear of sounding prideful, or of inadvertently putting other people down by talking about my accomplishments...or by even having accomplishments! I thought about that when I wrote this post, and was actually hesitant about publishing because I didn't want it to be misinterpreted.
The fact is, I have some great things going for me right now in one area of my life, and I recognize that I have been blessed with some innate talents and some circumstances that have paved the way for all of this. But I am also horribly aware of all my weaknesses and all the ways these weaknesses could seep in and ruin everything. I therefore have trouble feeling like I actually deserve praise, scholarships, high expectations, etc. I also see myself in comparison to other people who have strengths that I don't, which means that I feel I don't deserve these things partly because there are other people out there who are not receiving the scholarships who I sometimes think have greater potential than I do.
Okay, at risk of not completing a coherent thought I'm going to end my comment here before I post another novel!
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